I’m a thousand different people,
every single one is real - I’ve a million different feelings, OK but at least I feel!
May 21, 2009
Guilt is a funny thing. It is sticky and clings to you like a magnet. You can push it all around put it in your hat or stick it in your shoe but there is no losing it. This is true no matter how much you can convince one or 100’s of your innocence you still go home with your guilt. You can pretend it isn’t there, but you will be fooling only yourself because everyone else will see the truth and your guilt.
Peace of mind on the other hand doesn’t stick it just “is” you either have or you don’t. It is comfortable through all kinds of life situations, even if death looks imminent, its’ there for you. It is only acquired through a self-generated atomic love for truth and justice. Years ago, a close friend noticed my guilt in the form of anger. He said you are always angry; you look like you are on fire sometimes. I brushed him off thinking he doesn’t know what he is talking about, but what he had said to me never left me. I couldn’t shake it off. I realized that he was right, which only increased my anger. He identified my guilt. I noticed that I was angry whenever I was around someone like my friend who I was quite unconsciously attracted to, but would never admit it to myself. My friend was someone I really liked and it seemed that whenever our friendship grew closer my anger grew stronger keeping us separate. Anger and depression seemed to be so indelibly etched in my life always wanting to love and to be loved and unknowingly pushing it away whenever it came close to me.
And when I would return home I would still be angry and would remain so for several days later. After being away from my friend I would calm down, but all anyone had to do is mentioned my friend’s name and that white-hot anger inside of me was lit once again. My normal personality is generally light hearted and gregarious. So, when I would get angry it was quite out of character for me. My anger was never directed at anyone. It was more like a pressure cooker letting off stream, well okay, except for a rector every now and then. Otherwise, I was really quite safe to be with, more often comedic, animated and fun, too. I would rant and rave on and on about something completely out of the blue. I can remember being out with good friends and after getting carried away in some fit of anger about absolutely nothing of any significance. Then realizing what an idiot I was sounding like, I looked at my friends and started laughing pounding my hand on the table declaring, "I am really a very nice person!!!" Photo
ANGER = THERAPY
It was because of this anger, which was mixed with depression that I went into therapy. I couldn’t understand where all this anger was coming from, at times I swear my anger was strong enough it could light up all of New York City. Interesting, during my therapy sessions I never dealt with my sexuality, it was noticeably absence, even to me later on. And oddly enough I would say to my therapist that the therapy isn’t helping me because I still get as anger as I did before. What was also noticeable was that I was always talking about other people’s gay relationships. When my therapist said “Me thinks He Doth Protest Too Much” I past this statement off as my therapist just doesn’t understand me. Little did I know he was quite on target. However, it was not after changing and trying two other therapists before I came to understand the truth about myself though I did not “come out” to myself in a therapy session.
VATICAN'S ANTIGAY TEACHINGS = THERAPY + PROLONGED THERAPY
What severely impacted my many years in therapy was that I was inwardly consciously and unconsciously holding on very tightly, with a child like belief, to the Vatican's antigay teachings, which were conveyed to me as far back as my early childhood years. Little did I know that that was the very reason why I was in therapy in the first place and what was unnecessarily prolonging my need to be in therapy. So harmful are the Vatican's antigay teachings to a child who grows up to be gay and then continues to be harmful throughout his adult life.
COMING OUT and NEW BEGINNINGS
The very first person I was able to “come out” to was a Trappist Abbot, who I visited yearly, some 3000 miles away from where I lived. I came out to him just before I was to enter the monastery. The Abbot was shocked that I thought being "gay" was something bad. He said "Why it is a 'gift' from God!!!" Then I was in shock. It was not the response it had expected. I was completely confused. Disappointed at first, however, "life" began there for me but ever so faintly but it was definite I was "different." The Abbot told me ever so kindly and reassuringly that I must, first, go back out into the world and come to appreciate all the blessings that come with being "gay." It had the feeling of the male version of the Sound of Music. At that time, I could not even imagine being "gay" in any positive light. But I trusted the Abbot's wisdom, his sincerity, his genuine empathy for another human being and his care for me. It was not until several years later and my fifth therapist that I began to normalize to the truth about myself that I was indeed “gay.” It was at Affirmations, Ferndale, MI that I really noticed my life beginning. There were several more years of acclimating that I had to go through before I realized that I was at peace with myself and the anger I wore like a coat had greatly dissipated. All that energy trapped in suppressing the fact I was “gay” for years and years was turned loose. I went back to school now in by mid 40's. I was simultaneously enrolled taking classes at both Aquinas College, Grand Rapids, MI and the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, MI at the same time, all while being a full time pastor in Grand Rapids, MI (Holy Family Parish, Sparta, MI) and teaching High School and 3rd grade religion classes. Without all that anger eating me up inside I came "alive" for the first time in my life! I felt like that song "But Alive" from the Broadway musical “Applause”... La Trappe, France Thomas Merton Photo (Photo not of the Monastery I attended) 800
Read complete article & related links:
The Psychology of the Closeted
Individual and Coming Out
In contemporary gay culture, to hide one sexual identity is referred to as either “closeted” or “in the closet.” Revealing oneself as lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) is called “coming out.” 16 Paradigm • Fall 2007
by Jack Drescher, M.D.
American Psychoanalytic Foundation Public Forum
Ralph Roughton, M.D. 1999
…When we speak of internalized homophobia, we refer to the shame, denigration and anger turned inward onto the self of the homosexual individual either as a re-internalization or from the absorption of homophobic attitudes in the environment and then identifying with the hated and feared object. The primary emotion is shame, but a whole gamut of inhibitions, loss of self esteem, depression and self-destructive behavior often follow.
Read complete address:
30 years of Ratzinger/Benedict XVI’s - Directives To Hierarchy – To make - THREATS, SILENCE, HARM AND DISPOSAL of Catholic Personnel Supportive of LGBT Adults and Children
SEXUAL ORIENTATION is less about sex and more about LOVE, being one with another human being - ATTACHMENT THEORY | - INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA - “Auschwitz – Benedict XVI - Christmas 2008 - Brokeback Mountain” (NP)
Ratzinger, Hurley, Maida & Accomplices - Kids Are Being Hurt!!! (Sequential Order of Reactions)” November 28, 2010
“If you shut up truth and bury it under the ground, it will but grow, and gather to itself such explosive power that the day it bursts through it will blow up everything in its way.”
What you have said in the dark will be heard in the daylight, and what you have whispered in the ear in the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs.
AUTHORITARIAN ≠ AUTHORITATIVE Benedict XVI UNSUBSTANTIATED Antigay Teachings, November 29, 2010
Ignorance, Arrogance, Indifference - Propaganda - BENEDICT XVI & BISHOPS - Child Sexual Abuse COVER-UPS – November 27, 2010
GAY YOUTH SUICIDE | BENEDICT XVI & BISHOPS Child Sexual Abuse Cover-ups – Negligence Protecting (1) Children & (2) LGBT Children | Family of Rutgers suicide victim lends name to bill – November 19, 2010 – CNN
Benedict XVI - INTERNALIZED HOMOPHOBIA
"It [homosexuality] remains something that is against the Nature that God originally willed.” - UNSUBSTANTIATED ANTIGAY STATEMENT – Selective Attention – Dissociation – Process of Projection - permits EXTERNALIZATION of unconscious conflicts - rejecting own unacceptable urges by rejecting lesbians and gay men (who symbolize those urges) without consciously recognizing the urges as own. - PLANK & SPECK - Luke 6:40-42 & GALILEO
400,000 Anti-gay marriage DVDs - $1 million Nienstedt - Minnesota October 29, 2010 - RELIGION & ETHICS PBS – video (NP)
Part 2: 'I Hope that the Church Will at Last Confront the Issue of Homophobia' | Dream Turns Into Nightmare | Senior Theologian In The Catholic Church
November 22, 2010
WIDESPREAD HOMOPHOBIA in the Catholic Church | Theologian says much of clergy is gay – by Derek Scally, November 22, 2010 – The Irish Times
Active Hate Group - Benedict XVI UNSUBSTANTIATED Antigay Teachings - Anti-Gay Rhetoric | Kids Are Being Hurt!!!
maybe, there will exist a well-informed, well considered and yet fervent public conviction that the most deadly of
all possible sins is the mutilation of a child’s spirit.”